life and faith

Ever think about life and where yours is in comparison to where you thought it would be?

Recently I do...all the time!

There are quite a few things in relation to this statement that hit me. One: I feel horrible that I am so worried about my life and where it is going, or not going.

I have an awful disgust for the unsatisfied feeling inside of me and my lack of faith in God. It's not that I don't believe he has a plan for my life. I know he is in control and is leading me down a path that is going to bring me someplace amazing. I believe all of that. I know he has plans for my future, and plans to prosper me, and plans to give me a hope and a future.

I don't mean to be discontent, and I'm really not. I just find that my idea of my own life was very different than the reality of it.

Two: The reality of my life in comparison to where I want it to be makes me feel stuck.

Upon graduating from Belmont I thought I was going to succeed. Yes, everyone said that my finding a job would be near impossible. Everything around me screamed go to grad school! Still a small voice within said, "you can do it!" Something inside of me screamed for me to leave the safety net of college and venture into the world of possibility. To be a real adult. Then I got slapped in the face.

What did I expect? Well I thought I would graduate and move closer to my family. Get a great job and find my own apartment. I believed that I would be teaching children theatre and would be finishing up a novel.

What did I get? I am very close to my family. After having moved to their town I can now say I have lived with them for seven and a half months. I did get a job, but it barely pays for my student loan payment every month, and it is simply as a Starbucks Barista. Not that I don't love making coffee and interacting with our regular customers. I love that. I do enjoy my job, but I make about $500 a month, and I have a college degree! As for the children's theatre, well that is actually coming together, but the novel is still far from being completed and needs serious work.

Now most of this looks like complaining. I cannot lie, it is. I hate that. Still this takes me to my third thought. Although my life makes me feel like a bum who can't get a decent paying job. Like a failure who has fallen flat on her face. I have to look over it and realize that none of this is true.

Maybe I didn't graduate and get the perfect job. Maybe I am single and not married, and even more without any prospects. Maybe I do not have my own home, let alone even my own apartment. Maybe I am in debt in student loans and struggling to make enough to pay them off.

Still I have to look at what I do have. I have a family who loves me. For now I get to cherish the time I have with them. After living states away from them for four years I finally get to spend time time with them again. I have a job, and lets face it how many people don't get to say that right now. A lot! I am truly blessed to have any form of income with the economy as it is. I have my Independence. I will never get that back once I get married. these days of being single are a blessing that will fade away once I meet the man of my dreams. I have the ability to pay off my students loans, and my debt will not last forever. Before I know it my loans will be gone.

More than anything I am living in a community full of support. I have exceedingly wonderful friends beside me every step of the way, even if most of them do live in Nashville. I have family that loves me. I have a church that cares and prays for me. I have a theatre community that embraces me. I have a group of women who share my passion for youth arts.

I now come to a new and fourth thought. My life is going somewhere. Even if right now it may not feel that way.

God is turning the wheels and making the path. He is doing things that I simply do not see yet. In weeks, months, and years to come I will look back on this moment and realize that my life isn't any more of a mess than anyone else in this world. God has something incredible planned for me. Sometimes the beginning of the plan might just be a little tough. But to be honest, if it isn't hard, than will it be worthwhile in the end?

Maybe there is a little more faith inside of myself than I think.

Perhaps I just need to invite the faith to grow, to play a larger role in my life.